You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
