Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
