I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
