I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
