We're facebook friends in real life
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
