what day is it and did you see me today?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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