how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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