i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
