I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
