I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
