I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
