It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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