wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
