Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
