Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
