Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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