Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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