there's paper in my vomit.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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