woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
