Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
