You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
