You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
