I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
