i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
