I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
