i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.