i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
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Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle