So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
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I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Vodka?
Forever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
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I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
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