i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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