tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick