I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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