i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
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It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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