Your face is a jimmy john
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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