More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
