so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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