We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
