why didn't you poke me back
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
