Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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