you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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