everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
