she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The Olympian is in my bed
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
