apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
