she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
