Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
