mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
