I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
