The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It's official drugs can't kill me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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