at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
