I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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