dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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