That's when you crack a 10am beer
He had one of those small greek statue penises
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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