I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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