he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize