Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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