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If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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