I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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