I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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