she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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