How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
