I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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