i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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