Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
