apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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