what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
