so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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