so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
