This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
