Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
