There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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