i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
